More People Are Going To Hell

I am unable to refresh CNN dot com without finding another article that showcases the expanding potential of people to be stupid. The latest is the involves the case of a kids show host in the UK on the BBC run CBeebies network with a "disability." The woman, Cerrie Burnell, is actually beautiful and charming like virtually all female television personalities (exception Ina Garten), she just happens to have been born without her right arm past the elbow. Twenty-five a$$holes have lodged "official" complaints with the BBC because her malformation is scaring their children. They are all offically going to hell.

Apparently she is also a hot topic on internet chat rooms as well. By the way, it must be a european thing because I thought chatrooms went the way of AOL and dial-up internet. Now that everyone you know is online there is no need to talk to strangers unless you are trying to hookup with swinger couples.

Whatever happened to the days when it was a requirement to have a token handicapped person on the shows. Like Sesame Street always had a kid in a wheelchair. Like those old school 70s wheelchairs that old people use in hospitals but no paraplegic actually uses. Since when did this backlash against minorities and underdogs. It used to be requisite to champion, defend, and showcase an image of acceptance and celebration. Now one real dickhead "lamented" in a chat room that the show "forced him to have conversations with his child about disabilities." Boohoo. What a loser. Your kids better grow up fast because life is a lot harder than that. Given the current economic meltdown, climate change, ecological disaster, and population explosion, your kids are going to be lucky if they aren't being spit on by Mandarin and Hindi speaking kids that studied harder while they mop up the bathroom at Panda Express.

Be Glad She Isn't Your Mother

Another nominee for worst mother of the year, to compete with the likes of Nadya Suleman a.k.a. "Octo-mom" and Casey Anthony, has come into the national spotlight. Courtesy of CNN, I learned of my new least favorite person, Genine Compton. If only she could rub a lamp and wish for common sense. This woman was arrested for breast feeding her child while driving and talking on a cell phone. The baby is actually old enough to run around from the looks of the video of her on the local news site. The police cited her for child endangerment and violating the child safety restraint law. They also noted they were concerned that the child if in a crash, is not only without a seatbelt, but also that if the airbag deployed in a crash, it would hit the child at 200mph. In response, the women noted that, if she were in an accident wearing a seatbelt, she would be subjected to the same risk of the airbag as her child lying on the steering wheel.

Really. What a f*#@*#g dummy. Yeah, I'm sure an adult wearing a seatbelt is going to be hurt by an airbag the same way as an unrestrained baby. Don't you watch TV bitch. Even the commercials for McDonalds used to end with Ronald McDonald saying, "Remember, kids in the backseat!"

Her response was, "I'm not going to let my child go hungry." WTF, feed the baby before you leave the house. The kid is old enough to walk, they can wait till you get home. Ever heard of a bottle or breast pump. Or how about this, if your child can run, they can be weaned.

I hope she goes to jail for the 180 days and pays $1,800 fine that come with child endangerment in Ohio.


I feel bad for her kids. Not only are their lives in imminent danger but, they also have this woman's genetics factoring in their intellect. My mom says the baby's intelligence is determined by the mother. The chance that they will develop common sense in life, 0%. This person is allowed to vote and participate in democracy. Remember the next time the federal government takes 35% and the state takes 9%, that you spent 44% of every dollar you earn to provide for people like this and Octo-mom.

No Shave November Must Suck

Anyways, in anticipation of my potential match on March 19th, the time when I discover the location of my specialty training, I quit shaving. Because of the need to maintain a professional appearance, I shave no less than every 2nd or 3rd day. This month has been different, I only have to be in clinic on Fridays. Thus, I quit shaving after last Friday, the day that I also certified my rank order list for residency. Facial hair is sexy. Like tans. That's what I'm trying to tell myself. Asian girls seem to disagree, but, I waited all week for the beard lovers to come out of the woodwork. Never happened. I was itching like madness. I recruited three other non-beard growers into the no shave proposition. Today was an itchy day though. I could not stand it anymore. I shaved the beard leaving the stache and goatee though. For now, I am relieved enough that I might keep up until match. Hopefully I notice things change like strangers flirting with me more, or people offering me jobs on the street. More likely I will be accused of looking "mean," and women will guide their children to the opposite side of the street when I walk down the sidewalk.

Geometry 101: or How I Pissed Off The Waitress at a Pizza Place

So I was visiting the newly opened branch of the local upscale chain, Spin! Neapolitan Pizza. I am very picky about pizza restaurants. This stems from the undeniable truth that the best pizza in the world costs about 2-3 bucks a slice on any given corner in New York. The attempts to recreate authentic Italian pizza or to invent novel gourmet flavor combos, albeit tasty, are usually not superior experiences to the average corner NYC slice. If I am going to pay 10 or 20 dollars for something fancy, it should follow the axiom, you get what you pay for. That's why when you walk into a crappy pizza by the slice joint where you have to eat your pizza standing, you are paying for flavor, not leather booths. At Spin! what I didn't get was the truth.
This is where the math gets really hectic. The waitress told our group, two people could split a 12" pizza, but that it would probably not fill us up and that we should probably order side salads. Also, she said it was financially favorable to each get 6" individual pizza and salad combos rather than split 12" pizzas and buy the salad on the side. She said, you get the same amount of pizza and it costs a dollar less per person. She said a mouthful.

I told her, "I'm not good at math, but I'm pretty sure if you double the diameter of a circle, the area increases by 4 times, not 2."
Here comes the deer in the headlights, "6 inches is half of 12 inches."
"I might have to double check at home with cardboard cutouts, but that's unfortunately too simple to be true."

My friends are dying of embarrassment. We settle on the 6" pizza salad combos and I stew while we wait at our plush leather booth for our 8 dollar 28 sq inch pizzas. Had we ordered the 12" we could have split 113 sq inches giving each of us roughly 56 sq inches of pizza a piece. Granted, a side salad was 4.50 and a 12" pizza was 10.50. The combo we got was 8.95 a person. For two people we were paying about 18 bucks. If we went my way and bought the 12" pizza it would have cost $9 for two side salads plus 10.50 for the pizza or $19.50. A full 150 pennies, or 75 cents per person to double are pizza consumption. That said, do I need that much pizza, no, but everyone was starving at the end.

19.50 versus 18
113 sq inches vs 56 sq inches of pizza
2 salads vs 2 salads

But remember, if we had gotten twice as much pizza, we probably could have skipped the salad and still been more full. So the more realistic comparison is

10.50 versus 18
113 sq inches vs 56 sq inches of pizza
0 salads vs 2 salads

I'm pretty sure that 10.50 for more pizza is > 18 bucks for half as much pizza. Nice effort on the sales part, but at least know the hustle you are trying to run. Financially favorable? Please. I am never going back to Spin! Pizza. Next time if I want to get ripped off I'll go to dennys.

Note
Area of a circle equals 3.14 X radius X radius

Life Imitating Film: Case Study of "He's Just Not That Into You"

So this Valentine's day weekend I went to see the recently released, "He's Just Not That Into You," based on the book by that funny looking guy with the blond hair that had a really shitty daytime talk show named Greg. I was hoping that I would enjoy seeing these women embarrass themselves in the fictional world of late 20s single-dom. Aside this movie is truly something novel to me (in Kansas City there is no such thing as being over 22 and single, everyone has to get married by law I think, because I don't know any singles older than I am.) Anyways, it seemed implausible that women could be as lame as the main character in the movie. There are truly embarrassing moments during which I pulled my fleece over my head to hide. If you've seen it you know what I mean. And then, I met someone who struck me like she could be that awkward.

Yesterday I went to Starbucks for a "medium coffee," my usual, and decided to chat with the barista while my receipt was printing. They recently extended their hours from 10 to midnight, which, in this era of Starbucks closures, state employee furloughs, and business hour cutbucks, struck me as odd. So I asked...

"How are the new late hours going?"
"Oh great, I close, so I get to clean the parking lot...and more hours for me."
"I see, I guess, are people coming in that late, they just closed another store less than a mile from here."
"Oh yeah, we're a high traffic store I guess. I'm sorry we have to brew a new batch so your coffee will be a while."

I found a table, opened my laptop, made a snazzy playlist that included TI + JT's Dead and Gone. Open a book and then I'm startled.

"Oh my God I am so SORRY!"
"Why?"
"Your coffee took so long!"
"I kinda expected it since you told me you had to brew a new batch."
"Yeah but that was like really long, what's your name, my name is *bleep*, do you want a pastry, I can give you a card to get something free next time, would you like something else, how about if you come in again anytime I can give you something free."
"It's ok, thank you for bringing the coffee to my table though."

She was totally flustered. Very nice but, truly, she came off very crazy. Imagine if this had been us out at a club. Cute girl, but she was embarrassing me. just like the movie.

February 14th: Greeting Card Conspiracy?

Today, Valentine's today, is a day loaded with a myriad of connotations, most of which, are negative. Single awareness day, give Hallmark money day, buy chocolates to make your girlfriend fatter, the list goes on. So there are clearly the camp of people who feel that Valentine's Day is merely a commercial scam. There are purist wimps who say that you should not need an arbitrary holiday to be romantic. There are the real saps who say everyday is Valentine's Day. There are the pathologically single who desperately crave a significant other that suffer a self-esteem blow each year that they spend V-day alone. Then there are the unoriginal women who are happy to have a one day that their boyfriends/husbands are guaranteed to buy them flowers, Vermont Teddy Bears, and Godiva chocolates. There's always the cliche dicks that propose and shit like that today as well. I even know someone getting married today. So clearly, only women, and a minority of women at that, are actually enjoying Valentine's Day like kids enjoy Christmas. But the fact that Valentine's Day magnifies the romantic insecurity in so many, is where the real opportunist steps up to the plate. First, because of Valentine's Day, there is only one day of the year that you are at least expected to attempt romance with your girlfriend. That leaves you off the hook 364 days a year. Any additional romance is purely bonus. Additionally, if a dude gets romantic on any random day, risks looking whipped, he also makes his shows up his bros in front of their girls. Clearly unacceptable. Thus, not hallmark, but dudes, truly profit, by having one coordinated day, that you can get away with being romantic and still fit in. Sure, you could go the extra mile and send flowers on Flag Day, but like Barney Stinson says, "What's the point? That's like changing the oil in a rental car."
There is another unsung group of Valentine's Day profiteers: the single guy. Not only can a single guy get away with not spending any money on fancy dining, wine, flowers, chocolates, diamonds, or lap dogs but, he also can hit the bars and exploit the fact that the single ladies will be particularly self-conscious about not having a Valentine. The threshold for picking up girls on this night, theoretically should be much lower because of the bride's maid effect observed at weddings. When women are in proximity to a higher than normal level of relationship romantic innuendo, they are in turn more receptive to new people. I know that some people won't agree with what I have said, but the truth is, truth does not require you to believe in it for it to be truth. Women may deny that any of this is true, but I can assure you, people get too much credit sometimes.

Octo-Mom

The Huffington Post, arguably the web's most successful blog, has blogged about Nadya Suleman, the woman who recently gave birth to 8 babies, thus, so will I.

First, dogs have litters of eight puppies.
Second, whatever fertility "doctor" that implants 8 embryos into a single woman who is unemployed with six kids is a greedy douche.
Third, deep down in the bottom of my heart, I feel so bad for this woman and her children. That is because I am certain that she must have either a lobster or slow growing tumor inside her brain that has rendered her insane. I am not kidding.
Fourth, I hope she is smart enough to reject the melamine tainted baby formula should China be generous enough to donate. Not getting my hopes up.

Here is a link to the interview with Ann Curry (my favorite broadcast journalist after Robin Meade). Something about her just looks like shes not all there. I really think she should have a CT scan of her head.

My Favorite T.V. Theme Songs

The other night, my friend triple H and I were cruising around Westwood and the topic of television theme songs came up. I mentioned that LA Law was of the best tv themes ever, I assumed since she is in law school that she would agree. I was wrong. Apparently I am too young to have watched LA Law, but I will say, that saxophone solo was pretty frickin' sweet. These are my favorite television themes, all are great shows, not surprisingly, television themes really peaked in the 80s and early 90s.

1. Growing Pains

2. L.A. Law

3. Doogie Howser, M.D.

4. M*A*S*H

5. Alvin & the Chipmunks

6. Law & Order

7. Miami Vice

8. E.R.

9. Knight Rider

10. Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers

"Television! Teacher, Mother, Secret Lover!" - Homer Simpson

My Favorite Burgers

Whenever I am back at home in California, there are two food pilgrimages that I make: In-n-Out & Del Taco. The funny thing is In-n-Out is so popular that whenever I meet anyone who isn't from CA but has visited they always ask me if I miss In-n-Out. The truth is, I only miss it, once I'm back and I am actually devouring a double double with fries. Only in the past two years have I graduated to ordering my burgers animal style (mustard, pickles, grilled onions). So without further ado, this is the list of the best burgers I've ever had. Taste, presentation, and overall emotional satisfaction plays into rankings, which is why toxic white castle slides in at number 8.

3am, the morning of Black Friday on the way to Best Buy, St. Louis, MO after a fierce beer pong tournament

White Castle Girl: And to drink?

Me: I'll have an orange lamburst please.

WCG: Excuse me.

Me: You know, orange LAMBURST

WCG: We don't carry that would you like a coke?

Me: No, orange lamburst, the damn orange Hi-C.

Steven: Brandon relax, that's orange lavaburst.

Me: Oh, from this angle, nevermind.

1. Blanc Kobe Burger (KC) http://www.blancburgers.com/

2. Chefburger's The Widowmaker(KC) Chef Burger

3. The Brick Burger (KC)

4. Shake Shack (NYC) http://www.shakeshack.com/

5. In-n-Out Doube Double (CA) http://www.in-n-out.com/

6. Culver's Butter Burger (KC) http://www.culvers.com/

7. Tommy's Chiliburger (CA)

8. White Castle Sliders http://www.whitecastle.com/

9. Winstead's Triple Steak Burger (KC) http://www.winsteadskc.com/history.php

10. Paddy O'Quigley's (Overland Park, KS) http://www.oquigleys.com/

Barney Stinson, You're My Hero

This has been a legendary couple of months for me. Mostly because I've adapted to living outside of my comfort zone. It started back in October with casually acknowledging strangers, exanded in November to holding actual conversations with random cuties, and blew up in 2009. Anyways, last night was Monday night, I met up with an old friend, Tim, we caught up and he told me he had a blog, which I fully expect him to link mine in. That reminded me that I also had a blog, but ever since I bounced from Florida to Phoenix back to California, I haven't had anything awe inspring to write about. I mean I suppose I could have written about the Super Bowl but I think that has been done. Everyone is disapointed for the Cardinals and Kurt Warner, yes they are 2nd only to the Cubs as the professional sports franchise with the longest championship draught but, then I remember how they make more money PLAYING football then I will ever see, and then I don't feel sorry for them anymore. Besides, I was just in Phoenix and the town didn't seem to give a fuck. Pittsburgh is another story, the Steeler's fans, those mofos were setting cars on fire after they won, imagine how many people would have died if they had lost.
I can write about Tim anytime, but Monday nights at 830ET/730CT on CBS is when How I Met Your Mother comes on. I've been religously watching the show a little over a year now thanks to my buddy Kevin. This show is so singularly meaningful that I have almost nothing in common with anyone who doesn't also watch. I usually only get this passionate about movies, in fact, there is no other show I watch on tv (I'm not counting re-runs of Family Guy on adult swim). HIMYM is in its fourth season. It is as far as I can tell, the 21st century version of Friends. It is about a group of yuppie friends, two of whom are married to each other (Chandler/Monica = Marshall/Lily), one of which bangs a lot of chicks (Joey = Barney) that have palacial apartments in New York City. The premise of the show is that, the main character Ted recounting to his teenage children, tales about him and his friends from the time when he was 26 until he meets their mother, a yet to be determined date later. Initially, I only agreed to watch the show because it co-stars, Neil Patrick Harris a.k.a. Doogie Howser, M.D., my first role model. However, it is easy to become quickly enamoured with the lives of all the characters. Cleverly written, the show frequently exploits flashbacks to tie apparently insignificant details from one episode to another.
The show is a gem, it gives me faith that the sitcom is not dead, that respectable television still exists amongst the sewage of Survivor and I Love New York 2. A proud owner of the first three seasons on DVD, I have done everything I can to convert all of my acquaintances into HIMYM fanatics. I know at least one if not the only person reading this blog is a fan. Tonights episode was average but, it beats the shit out of American Idol.

So what was your favorite Super Bowl spot?
Mine was a tossup between Conan doing the commercials for Finland and the Doritos guy throwing a snowglobe at his boss' nards.